For many people the busiest, most harried time of the year is the Christmas season. Ironic because it should be a season of peace marked by celebrations of the Prince of peace come into the world. This lack of peace is frustrating, aggravating and it seems to be getting worse every year. I think that it may be an accentuated reminder of how far I’ve drifted from the Lord over the course of the year.

How is it that I drift away from him? Why am I afraid to be intimate with my Lord? Complacency, neglect, avoidance, running–running the wrong way, running for the wrong reasons, running in circles, running away from the Savior who loves me, running to emptiness and ultimately death.

God is so patient, so generous, so loving. His perfect love draws me to change direction. But the choice is still mine to make. Could it be selfishness and pride that keeps me heading in the wrong direction? The choice begins by acknowledging and receiving his love. What follows is humility and obedience, and following the right direction towards life.

For those who read this journal and wonder what I’m talking about specifically, I’ll try to clarify a little. I don’t seem to suffer under the oppression of bad habits which are so common to the flesh. That is, I don’t smoke, get drunk, drink strong drink, or any kind of sexual sin. I also don’t seem to have the common sinful ailments of the soul. I don’t hold a grudge, I don’t fantasize, I’m not lazy, I never give up working dilligently for God’s Kingdom. No, my sin is far worse than any of these. It isn’t a sin of the flesh or of the soul but of the spirit. Sins of the flesh may kill your physical body, sins of the soul will make you miserable, but sins of the spirit are the worst sins of all.

One of the verses that haunts me is this: (Luke 12:48b)

“From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”

Not only have I tasted the goodness of the Lord, heard his voice, felt his touch, but I have also seen, just for a fraction of a second,  a beam of his glory shine in front of me.* It was as if somebody opened a door just a crack and a beam of light escaped shining across the floor and onto the far wall. Had I been in a position where the been hit me directly I think it would have destroyed me. God’s glory is so bright, so powerful, so holy.

* This experience, early in my learning to walk with God, was very personal. Not everyone has a “mountaintop experience”. If not then it is because God has given you more faith, He has trusted you more than I. It was in my weakness that He demonstrated His glory, power, and holiness within my mind, not a real vision, but an understanding. I say all this so that no one would be envious of something God gave me. If you are His then you have the very power of God within you! (Ephesians 1:18-21) If you feel lonely or empty there are several possible reasons. For instance, God’s saints will go through a desert, even in the shadow of the valley of death. It is His will that we be tested. Don’t assume that lonliness is a sign of God’s distance. God will never leave or forsake you! Have you ever read Footprints in the Sand?

How can I experience all of this beauty of God and still have any concern for worldly things? Why does my heart still feel any pride? Why do I failed so miserably demonstrating God’s love? Why is it still difficult for me to receive love? Why do I become anxious in a storm?*

* The storm in my life is under God’s control and I trust Him in this process yet not without sinful anxiety. In brief, I had my disability income reduced, received unexpected bills, and both my vehicles broke down in the same week. This is not only a test of my faith. God is teaching me to ask for help and to receive love…and I find these things very difficult to do. I am sometimes in tears not because of the difficulty but that I won’t ask for help. I don’t think it is my pride. I tell people that is because I don’t want to put people out and that is partially true. But the real reason is that I don’t know how to receive love very well. How sad! How sinful!!

Hebrews 12:1-3:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

These verses greatly encourage me. “Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” I recommend that you read beyond that verse down to verse 13.

Here is what I will do:

I will throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.
I will run with perseverance the race marked out for me.
I will fix my eyes on Jesus.
I will not grow weary and lose heart.

God is my Shepherd, my Redeemer, my Lord. I will follow Him. I know that I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

But I will also learn to ask for help, receive love from others, and praise God in everything! I will not turn away from God’s love or turn down the love of the Saints. I am looking forward to see what God will do through His Body.

I will praise God now and forever!