Our pastor delivered a great message last Sunday at our church, as usual. The message was on the prodigal son.

The prodigal son parable has such appeal to me. Billy Graham preached on it many times before and I never got tired of hearing him tell it.

At Sunday’s service, one man gave a testimony of his good relationship with his dad, how his career and life were molded by his dad’s. Another man told how he ran away from home and lived as a runaway until he heard God calling him. You can hear the message and these testimonies by clicking here. (The file isn’t up just yet.)

The runaway told how he realized, much later in life, that God was waiting for him, watching for him, and calling for him all along but he didn’t know it. Just like the prodigal, he had to make that decision to go to the Good Shepherd. He wrote a very moving song about this.

How This Relates to Me

God had His Hand on me all along in my youth and adulthood. This is clear to me and I rejoice in amazement at His great love for me-unconditional, everlasting. But I seem to have forgotten this attribute of God still in place for us today.

Last Sunday, Father’s Day, they were giving out free hamburgers to all the men of the church after the services. It was really cool, sort of like an ad-hoc men’s picnic right in front of the church. I knew about this the previous week being on the inside of such things sometimes. So I planned to wrangle two burgers from the grill man and give one of them to my son. This was in my mind and heart all week.

As we were leaving the service, my son, who also has his sources, told me that they might give out a burger to him, too, and asked if he may have one. I told him not to ask and he looked down trodden. Things got a little busy, so instead of my plan to get two burgers and give him one, I just told him to get himself a burger. (I ended up getting two burgers myself after all.)

On the way home, my son asked for something else. I took the opportunity to help him realize that his needs and even his desires are always on my heart, and that I am always looking for good things to give to him. He hardly has to ask for anything. He must learn to trust me more. I also explained that I withhold things from him sometimes because I love him. Sometimes what he wants would be harmful to him somehow. I used the example of bad movies. When I get our Netflix in, I always preview it first. If it would be bad for our family then I return it without watching it.

Even as I was talking to my son I realized that this is how God deals with us in love. He withholds things that would not be good for us; and He already has in His Heart and Mind to give us those things which are good for us, even before we ask for them or realize that we need them.

The Very Personal Gift

Thursday morning the “Joni and Friends” devotional was about the parable of the wedding where the groom invited people who made excuses and wouldn’t come which angered the groom. Friday morning the devotional was on the same subject. Very rarely does Joni cover a subject twice in a row. Even though I spent time with God after reading these devotionals and felt that I understood them, I didn’t see how they could relate to me. After all, I am one of the poor, blind, cripple, and lame people in the alleys that were later invited and did come to the wedding.

Friday afternoon a man came to tell me that someone gave me a valuable gift. There are several aspects of this event that were so personal to me that I felt very shaken when I heard of it. How did this person know the importance of this gift to me? How did they know that I needed it? (I didn’t tell anyone about it except my wife. My children probably overheard, too.) No one outside the family heard me complain that I needed this gift. And it is a gift of some value. I have trouble receiving gifts of value because I feel that I am being a burden to others.

The selfish part of me was going “woo hoo!” but another very dominant part of me was stubbornly and stupidly considering refusing the gift. I knew that this would be wrong and later figured out that refusing a gift could actually be offensive just like refusing to come to the wedding banquet. Forwarding the gift to the church is not receiving the gift.

The parable of the wedding came to mind finally. I was invited. I was given a gift. It is important that I receive it. But I continued to wonder how on earth someone knew about this need in my life? Had I expressed my need to anyone outside my family? Was there a “leak”; did someone in my family tell someone else about it? I didn’t think so.

Then, Sunday, I heard the testimony of how God was watching, waiting, and calling long before the man heard His call. And I thought of the conversation with my son, how his need/desire was in my heart and mind long before he even had the desire. (He didn’t know that there would be burgers after the service.)

God, through His saints apparently, knew that I had this need before I knew it. I’m beginning to realize how stubborn I am about receiving. I figure that I spent the first half of my life chasing, manipulating, conniving, and even stealing what I wanted. Now I just want to let go, give away, and learn to live with less. But God still wants to bless me not because I deserve it but because He loves me.

It has taken days, from Thursday to Sunday, two morning devotionals, a testimony on Sunday, several burgers, and a discussion with my son for me to finally, (I think), accept the gift from God.

Sunday was Father’s day. It was a very good day. I accepted in my heart the gift that was given to me on the previous Friday, a gift that was prepared even before then. My needs and even my desires are always on God’s heart, and God is always looking for good things to give to me. I hardly need to ask for anything. I must trust Him more.

I’ve much more to write but unless I stop and post this I’ll never get anything out. (This is what usually happens and partly why you don’t see more posts from me.) God is teaching this old dog new things. God is refining me (Isaiah 48:10), pruning me (John 15:2), preparing me. I can no longer stay on this plateau of satisfaction. I must allow Him to mold me according to His will. Does this mean more trials for us? Truly, I speak with Paul, “I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far.”(Philippians 1:23) I’m tired; I don’t want to learn new things; I want to be left alone; I want to go home to Heaven. “…but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body” (Philippians 1:24)

I guess I’ll be here a little longer, eat a few more burgers, and, maybe, write again in this journal.

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE:
See www.wbpdt.com and www.wbpdt.com/bbs  !!!

It’s now been about three weeks since I had my chemo treatment in Florida. Many people have been asking how I’m doing since the recovery period is estimated to be about four weeks. Here is a blow-by-blow account of what’s been happening.

On April 1st Georgia, David, and I flew to the Gainesville Florida VA Hospital so that I could participate in a clinical trial. There were two parts to this treatment. On Monday I was injected with a chemical agent that would make my whole body and extremely sensitive to light. According to warnings even a few minutes in direct sunlight could cause blistering and severe burns. This sensitivity could last 31 days or more. On Wednesday, April 4, a laser was put inside my bladder to burn off the inside surface.

We flew home on April 5th. By that evening the effects of the treatment had become quite severe. I would describe the first week after treatment as horrible miserable excruciating constant pain. Even though I took the strongest pain medications that I could tolerate I was very, very miserable. I didn’t eat a morsel of food that entire first week but I did drink several gallons of Gatorade. The second week was horrible miserable intermittent pain. I left off the word excruciating and stopped taking the strong pain medications which made me ill.

By the beginning of the third week I was just starting to feel like I was becoming normal again. Since I still need to use a bathroom about every 20 to 30 minutes I can only tolerate a short trip out if necessary.

Technical stuff that you can ignore if you don’t find it interesting:

While working as a software engineer, I often had to figure out how to quantify data in a new, completely unexplored way. That just means that I had to figure out what data meant in terms that could be consistently and accurately measured. It was one of the more enjoyable things that I did.

Well, I figured out a way to quantify my recovery from WBPDT. Normal for me is a number greater than 300. This is according to doctor’s notes that I obtained. An average range is, I think, between 200 and 300, maybe even narrowed to 250-300.

The first week I measured between 1-5. The second week, 15-30. The third week I didn’t measure as consistently but I think that my range averaged 50-75 during the week. This forth week I am currently at 100 and it doesn’t seem to be increasing as I would hope. (As I write this section I am at the end of my 4th week.) If it is my goal of achieving “low-normal” measurement of 200 then I’m half-way there after 4 weeks and the growth is painstakingly slow.

If you would like to know what the data is that I used to quantify my recovery then you can ask me personally via email, phone call, or in person.

But I am getting out these days but only for short periods of time.

Which pretty much brings us up to date. Tomorrow will begin my fourth week of recovery. I’m feeling all a lot better than I did a few weeks ago. But to be honest I’m still not feeling all that good. My appetite is better but I still only eat one small meal a day and a few snacks. I only go out when I have to and I need to be near a bathroom since I still need to go about every 20 or 30 minutes. And I’m still photosensitive.

The good news is that I’m beginning to get a few things done here. I help pay bills, I made a few phone calls, and I’ll probably tinker with the church website today. Throughout all of this time I kept up with my morning and evening devotions. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to maintain this discipline in one’s life. If my relationship with God was weak then I don’t think that I could have coped with all I’ve been through. I screamed at the top of my lungs as they tried to do a spinal nerve block during that first week. I was in the emergency room twice during that first week.

I’ve been disabled for seven years now. The first time that I noticed any muscle weakness was about a year ago. I work very hard at maintaining my health the very best that I can even with all that I have to deal with. But for the first time in this past year I’ve noticed that I can be come very weary of my constant pain. Pain causes fatigue. So I decided to do something to fight these new problems. I picked a particular verse of scripture to meditate on.

Now, on a regular basis, I will pick a portion of scripture to meditate on for a time. It may be for a few days or even a few weeks. But I have never picked out a scripture that I plan to meditate on for a year. So in addition to the other scriptures that I meditate on, I now have a 2007 Scripture meditation plan. I particularly liked Hebrews 12:3 which says, “Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that you do not grow weary and lose hope.” I do not want to grow weary and I deftly do not want to lose hope. So to try to keep this verse in context, my Scripture meditation for this year is Hebrews 12:1-3.

Hebrews 12:2 says, “run with perseverance the race marked out for you.” Since I acknowledge God in all things, I recognize that this new life of disability and pain is the race marked out for me. What I didn’t know was that the Greek word for “race” is “agon” which means “difficulty.” In fact, it is the word from which we get our word “agony.” Could the literal translation of this verse be “run with perseverance the agony marked out for you”? Boy oh boy. That says it all for me.

I find these verses extremely encouraging. I will run with perseverance this agony marked out for me. I will consider the Lord Jesus so that I don’t grow weary or lose hope. God is good and I will worship him. I will praise him in the assembly.

Please don’t think that I am anyone special. God has lovingly led me to this place. I am simply exercising faith I have in Him. I have my weaknesses and my sin. It is my desire to trust and obey God fully. It is a process of sanctification that occurs as I yield to God’s Holy Spirit within me. I have my will and my pride but these must die so that God’s life in me will yield fruit. I must decrease: He must increase.

Thank you for asking about me. Forgive me that I am writing essentially a form letter. I am simply not able to answer everyone directly.

UPDATE: See www.wbpdt.com and www.wbpdt.com/bbs  !!!

Disabled due to chronic pain I’ve been particularly interested in Scripture regarding pain. There are many verses and even whole chapters relating to pain. Many may be familiar with the “consider it pure joy when you encounter various trials” verses in James chapter 1. But one can gain better understanding when in a painful situation as referenced in Scripture than just reading about it detached from the experience.

Take 1st Peter chapter 4 for instance, almost the entire chapter referencing pain: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” (1 Peter 4:12-13)

Even though my pain level is higher most evenings than anything I’ve experienced before my disability I rejoice and have that “peace that surpasses understanding” (Philippians 4:7) and the “life more abundant” (John 10:10) that God’s Word says a person can have in this life–all in spite of sin, suffering, loss, and pain.

As for my pain, I can “scorn its shame” and try to reduce or eliminate it, but I don’t know that I should ask God to take it away. I bear my soul to God regarding my pain-only He knows how much I’m suffering. (He suffered much more!) But if my pain is “the race marked out” for me, then who am I to ask God for a different plan?

At times feel myself growing weaker and so I chose the following as my meditation verse for this year. Note especially the “joy set before Him” part:

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith, Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” (Hebrews 12:2-3)

My eyes are on Jesus. Although I feel so weary at times I will not grow weary and I will not lose heart. Rather, I will rejoice and be overjoyed! Praise God!

I have had many mentors and influential men in my life. I have not always fully benefited from having mentors due to my own foolishness at the time. Here is a partial list:

• • My dad, Edward J. Rodatus (deceased)
  • Bill Gothard through his Institute of Basic Life Principals
  • Oswald Chambers (deceased) through his My Utmost for His Highest devotional
  • Mike Minter of Reston Bible Church
  • Os Guinness
  • Dr. Ray Stedman (deceased) through the ministry of Pennisula Bible Church
  • Dr. Robert A. Cook (deceased) through his Walk with the King radio program
  • Ravi Zacharias (RZIM) through his radio messages, Let My People Think
  • Dr. J. Vernon McGee (deceased) through his Through the Bible radio ministry (Bible Bus five year program)
  • Pastor Charles Walz
  • Pastor Paul David Kemp (of Ranson, WV)
  • Bob Peel (deceased) (of Frederick, MD)
  • Alan Trefzger (of Sterling, VA)
  • Bob Pryor (deceased) (of Frederick, MD)
  • Leo Jett (deceased) (of Frederick, MD)

There have been many other influential men in my life but I could not possible list them all.

As for female mentors, I’ll only mention a few main ones:

• • My mom, (of course!)
  • My wife, (definitely!)
  • Nancy Lee DeMoss and her Revive Our Hearts radio ministry

It is no secret to those who know me well that the book of Ecclesiastes is one of my favorites. To many people it may seem a depressing book. After all, it starts off, “Vanity, vanity. All is vanity.” But I find the book to be encouraging, even uplifting.

It’s true that this wise writer honestly reveals the things in this world which appeare ultimately to be meaningless. Wealth, poverty, wisdom, and foolishness are all said to be meaningless-but there’s a catch. You have to read the entire book perhaps several times to really understand the intent of the author. Maybe this is a major spoiler, or perhaps it may help jumpstart an understanding of the book:

The bottom line is this: everything apart from God is meaningless. I believe that this is an Old Testament parallel verse to what Jesus said in John 15:5. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

Apart from God you can do nothing; Apart from God life is meaningless.

When we see, in this world, how the righteous receive what the wicked deserve and the wicked receive what the righteous deserve we can only conclude that life is meaningless-apart from God.

Not to oversimplify the manner of writing, it does appear that this writer is at times speaking from the meaningless worldly point of view and then giving us an alternative or contrasted point of view. It’s as if you can always add the terminology, “apart from God” at the end of all the verses which speak about our meaningless life.

I believe we are seeing modern renditions of the theme of Ecclesiastes in such popular books as “The Purpose Driven Life” and “Search for Significance.” These books give meaning to our “meaningless” life by pointing out our purpose and significance in Christ. No doubt there are numerous other similar books but these two come to mind.

I think that if you were to read and even meditate upon Ecclesiastes 9 versus one through 10 and then go back and read the entire book beginning to end you would have a much greater understanding of life.

Ecclesiastes 9: 7-10 says this:

“Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Always be clothed in white, and always anoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun— all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.”

Toilsome labor, meaningless days, I think another translation actually calls it miserable days. In all this I will anoint my head with oil, go with gladness, eat food, drink wine, and enjoy life with my wife. Because once I’m in the grave I won’t do any of these things. Thus I tell people, “I’m not 6 feet under so I’ll enjoy life (inspite of pain, in spite of the meaninglessness of life).”

For you, your pain may be different than mine. It may be a meaningless 4 hour-per-day commute, a miserable boss that you don’t get along with, financial difficulties, difficulty communicating with your wife or your children, or perhaps you, too, have health difficulties, physical pain, emotional or psychological problems.

For me, to leave the comfort of my bed risking that my feet will get cold, my pain will spike, and sometimes even experience tightness in my chest due to the constant gritting of my teeth (due to pain), I throw all this aside in order that I might enjoy the fellowship of the Saints on Sunday, watch my son at his archery lesson, sit down at the dinner table to enjoy a meal with family and friends. For me these things aren’t just difficult, they are painful. But then life is meaningless-apart from God.

In person I do a pretty good job most of the time hiding my pain, I think. I don’t want the focus of conversation to be on me or my pain. But in fact I’ll tell you honestly here that my pain level can be a 6, 7, or occasionally an 8 out of 10 even while we are pleasantly talking with one another. (I’ve learned a lot about self-control in my learning to manage this pain.)

This is the race marked out for me. I will run it with perseverance. I will fix my eyes on Jesus who demonstrated the manner and way that I should go. I will look for the joy set before me; Jesus said that he goes to prepare a place for me. I will not grow weary or lose heart because in Christ, even when I’m weak-I am strong.

I am in Christ as opposed to apart from God! That makes all the difference in this world!

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”   (Hebrews 12:1-3)

I remember what it was like to wake up early in the morning, shower, dress, shave, and begin my long commute to work. I remember working hard at my job, giving it my best, and then the long commute home. Exhausted from my day I was again called upon to give my very best but this time for my family. By the time I crawled into bed I was very, very tired. You know the drill, five days of it.

That was normal, to be expected. But when cancer attacked we changed worlds. All of a sudden I lived in a world of hurt, the world of constant pain, a world with changing landscapes of other diseases and strange symptoms that go along with my illness. Like it or not my family followed me into this world.

There are occasionally a few moments in the early morning after a good night’s sleep when I almost feel “myself” again. For me, it is a rare feeling, but it gives some clarity to what’s happening in my life.

Those few minutes of clarity, sometimes only two or three minutes, it’s like I’m a young man again who can “dream dreams.” And then the pain starts to come back. And I realize this is my life, a world of pain. And I have to manage it, cope, and compensate. It consumes me.

Whatever life I have leftover from my pain I try to give to my family, church, and friends. But what is left over is not really me but “me in pain.” Even my “leftover life” is hardly life at times. I want to laugh, I want to hug, I want to run in the yard playing tag with my boys, I want to demonstrate love to my family. But everything hurts. Everything..

Is any of this making sense? Let me explain it in a weird way. It’s like my life is actually in another dimension, that dimension being pain. And what you see here is the residue, a shell, a hologram which is not controlled by the real me. “The real me” spends every second trying to ignore the pain. What’s left for you and the rest of the world is something that I’m not very proud of at times.

My pain gives me some perspective on the world around me, the so-called “normal” world.

I see the world of hurt around me and understand a little better the pain felt by those who are not born again. My disease is only of my body. But the disease of sin destroys body, soul, and spirit. Any cure of the body is only temporary-we will all die. (Well, it is possible to be raptured before death.) But the cure for the spirit is free to all who believe, but which cost God much.

Every believer has an obligation to be an evangelist in some degree, in some venue, to some people. There are some people, of course, who have the gift of evangelism. But for the rest of us, no matter how difficult it is, we must be ready to give an answer for the hope lies within us.

Let us not forget the “world of hurt” that people around us live in. Let us show compassion and stay alert for the opportunity to share in the truth in love. It will come up so let’s don’t miss it.

**********

Earlier I was thinking of the words to a song: “No more let sin or sorrows grow nor thorns infest the ground. He comes to make His blessings flow far as the curse is found.” I love the clarity of these words. I love the optimism, the hope, the life, or should I say the “Life” in these words. Immanuel. God with us. He comes to make His blessings flow far as the curse is found-even in a world of hurt. Hallelujah!

For many people the busiest, most harried time of the year is the Christmas season. Ironic because it should be a season of peace marked by celebrations of the Prince of peace come into the world. This lack of peace is frustrating, aggravating and it seems to be getting worse every year. I think that it may be an accentuated reminder of how far I’ve drifted from the Lord over the course of the year.

How is it that I drift away from him? Why am I afraid to be intimate with my Lord? Complacency, neglect, avoidance, running–running the wrong way, running for the wrong reasons, running in circles, running away from the Savior who loves me, running to emptiness and ultimately death.

God is so patient, so generous, so loving. His perfect love draws me to change direction. But the choice is still mine to make. Could it be selfishness and pride that keeps me heading in the wrong direction? The choice begins by acknowledging and receiving his love. What follows is humility and obedience, and following the right direction towards life.

For those who read this journal and wonder what I’m talking about specifically, I’ll try to clarify a little. I don’t seem to suffer under the oppression of bad habits which are so common to the flesh. That is, I don’t smoke, get drunk, drink strong drink, or any kind of sexual sin. I also don’t seem to have the common sinful ailments of the soul. I don’t hold a grudge, I don’t fantasize, I’m not lazy, I never give up working dilligently for God’s Kingdom. No, my sin is far worse than any of these. It isn’t a sin of the flesh or of the soul but of the spirit. Sins of the flesh may kill your physical body, sins of the soul will make you miserable, but sins of the spirit are the worst sins of all.

One of the verses that haunts me is this: (Luke 12:48b)

“From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”

Not only have I tasted the goodness of the Lord, heard his voice, felt his touch, but I have also seen, just for a fraction of a second,  a beam of his glory shine in front of me.* It was as if somebody opened a door just a crack and a beam of light escaped shining across the floor and onto the far wall. Had I been in a position where the been hit me directly I think it would have destroyed me. God’s glory is so bright, so powerful, so holy.

* This experience, early in my learning to walk with God, was very personal. Not everyone has a “mountaintop experience”. If not then it is because God has given you more faith, He has trusted you more than I. It was in my weakness that He demonstrated His glory, power, and holiness within my mind, not a real vision, but an understanding. I say all this so that no one would be envious of something God gave me. If you are His then you have the very power of God within you! (Ephesians 1:18-21) If you feel lonely or empty there are several possible reasons. For instance, God’s saints will go through a desert, even in the shadow of the valley of death. It is His will that we be tested. Don’t assume that lonliness is a sign of God’s distance. God will never leave or forsake you! Have you ever read Footprints in the Sand?

How can I experience all of this beauty of God and still have any concern for worldly things? Why does my heart still feel any pride? Why do I failed so miserably demonstrating God’s love? Why is it still difficult for me to receive love? Why do I become anxious in a storm?*

* The storm in my life is under God’s control and I trust Him in this process yet not without sinful anxiety. In brief, I had my disability income reduced, received unexpected bills, and both my vehicles broke down in the same week. This is not only a test of my faith. God is teaching me to ask for help and to receive love…and I find these things very difficult to do. I am sometimes in tears not because of the difficulty but that I won’t ask for help. I don’t think it is my pride. I tell people that is because I don’t want to put people out and that is partially true. But the real reason is that I don’t know how to receive love very well. How sad! How sinful!!

Hebrews 12:1-3:

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

These verses greatly encourage me. “Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” I recommend that you read beyond that verse down to verse 13.

Here is what I will do:

I will throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.
I will run with perseverance the race marked out for me.
I will fix my eyes on Jesus.
I will not grow weary and lose heart.

God is my Shepherd, my Redeemer, my Lord. I will follow Him. I know that I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

But I will also learn to ask for help, receive love from others, and praise God in everything! I will not turn away from God’s love or turn down the love of the Saints. I am looking forward to see what God will do through His Body.

I will praise God now and forever!

I wonder how long it will take me to catch on to things. I wonder at the oscillations in my life, the inconsistencies, the incongruities, (“not harmonious in character; inconsonant; lacking harmony of”), the blindness to the depth of my own sin, the insensitivity to my own nature, the confusion, the pride, the deception, the death. When will I finally, completely agree with my brother Paul.

“O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?” (Romans 7:24)

“For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing:” (Romans 7:18a)

I imagine that I long to be like my Lord. But I squirm and struggle in every trial that comes along. If it isn’t comfort that lulls me to complacency then it is pain that makes me desire comfort. Even when I think I have faith it is really by His mercy and His grace that I’m not consumed.

“It is of the LORD’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.” (Lamentations 3:22)

The phrase “three steps forward two steps back” doesn’t seem to describe the process. It’s something more like “constantly failing and falling apart except for God’s miracles in my life”.

Now it may sound like I’m being hard on myself but that’s not really the case at all. First of all, the reality is that I really do deserve death. (Romans 6:23) Praise God, there is a “however”. The “however” is that I’m born again and now have the life of Christ in me.

“the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, Who loved me, and gave Himself for me” (Galatians 2:20)

Praise God that even the processes is entrusted to Him otherwise there’d be no hope.

“For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring Word of God.” (1 Peter 1:23)

“Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:” (Philippians 1:6)

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith…” (Hebrews 12:2)

The Gospel is good news indeed. I am indeed being conformed to the Life of Christ that is in me as I become conformed unto his death. I lay aside my earthly trophies and loose my life for His sake. (Matthew 10:39)

So I’ll cherish the old rugged cross,
till my trophies at last I lay down;
I will cling to the old rugged cross,
and exchange it some day for a crown. (The Old Rugged Cross)

Philippians 3:4-15 (NIV):

4 though I myself have reasons for such confidence. 

      If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6 as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless. 

 7 But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10 I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

 12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. 

 15 All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you.

The cross is beautiful to me for through it I find Life.

It’s difficult for me to admit that I’m not being honest with people. I really don’t like talking about my ailments. Indeed, my primary reason is that rather give glory to God for his many blessings. Sometimes I’ll drop hints about how I feel but try to close the subject off. “God is good even when I don’t feel good.” My other reasons include: I don’t think most people are interested in the details even though they do care about me; I think it would be boring to most people; some of my ailments are difficult to explain; I don’t think people would understand; some are too difficult to even believe. (I have trouble understanding and believing them.) I’ll give you a taste, just one example.

Sometimes things will abruptly change for me, usually for the worse. Two months ago I started a whole new set of symptoms. This list includes fever, petechial rash, strange headaches, sensitivity to light and noise, muscle pain and weakness. Additionally my appetite has decreased further still and my fatigue has increased further still. All these symptoms persist in addition to the numerous problems which left me disable and feeling very much like a freak over six years ago. The entire list of symptoms is much longer.

I wonder if people are being honest with me. Do they really have time, are they really interested in hearing the details about how I feel? I have some friends and acquaintances who have their own list of ailments. Perhaps I’m better prepared because of my illness and in a better position to patiently listen to them. And, although I will listen to them and show them compassion, I can only take so much before I’m worn out.

There are a few people with whom I do share how I feel. I talked to God about my ailments although not as much as I should. I don’t want God to think I’m complaining about His will or that I don’t trust Him. Of course I talked to my doctors but sometimes I think this doesn’t do any good. Not that my doctors aren’t good, but there are no cures for some of my diseases such as my nerve damage. Then there is my family who are my personal caregivers. My wife has been with me during procedures where I screamed with pain, my face in a pillow, tears rolling down my face. My children have seen me at times when I was so fatigued due to dehydration or low RBCs that I couldn’t even lift my head off my pillow. I have many more and much worse examples of things that my wife and children have dealt with because of my illnesses.

My wife and children are heroes. My wife is so gentle, tender, compassionate, and patient. She listens as I complain, discusses courses of action to alleviate my pain, serves me great food throughout the day, manages double duty of activities where I can no longer help, puts up with my bouts of irritability, and much, much more. My children, too, are immensely helpful. They help with mundane tasks of my daily care without complaint. Although it may seem like a small thing to them when they bring me lemonade and a bowl of corn curls, it is an immense help to me. They are somehow not embarrassed to have a dad who looks like a freak (always dressing like it’s wintertime) and sometimes acts like one. I am so proud of my two teenaged boys who would no doubt rather be with their friends but who choose the responsible thing, staying with their dad, pushing his wheelchair, getting him a cup of coffee, and ready to serve me in anything that I would ask them. It brings tears to my eyes. I feel like I don’t deserve them, my wife or my children, but they love me, and this they do very well.

Forgive me for abruptly ending this journal entry. I’m not exactly sure how to continue it or where to end it. Part of the reason is due to a new pain medication which I started today. It is spacing me out a little. I’d like to discuss the theology of all this, how God calls us to show compassion, to serve without complaining, and to find their courage and strength in God. I don’t know how things will end whether it be this article, my life, or the world. But I know that God who is the author and finisher of my faith has a perfect plan for everything.

“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” (Psalm 18:2)

A related article would be Man in the Mirror.

No, this isn’t my final journal entry, Lord willing.

I’ve had a fever for 4 weeks now along with some other disturbing symptoms. When I look up these symptoms to see what might be going on with me, it looks like it could be something serious – but treatable. It is amazing how the thought of one’s mortality quickly prioritizes things in one’s life.

I’m in the middle of writing a journal entry about the Oswald Chambers devotional for August 10. Not only do I type slowly but I often have some trouble thinking clearly enough to organize my thoughts in a meaningful way. Also, when something else comes to my mind to write about I have to take an interruption from writing the one post in order to write another. That is what happened this morning.

There are certain things that I really want to pass on to my children. It gives me joy when I observe that something successfully transferred.  Just this morning I heard one of my children attempt to instruct one of my other children, “measure twice, cut once.” It is a small victory and I am very thankful for it.

Other, more important things need to be conveyed and taught to my children. Every time I think that I am close to death, (this has happened several times in my life), my thoughts seem to center on things like, “Do my children know that I’m proud of them?, Did I tell them recently that I love them?, I need to tell my children again that I love them and I’m proud of them.”  This is odd to me because I am confident that my children know that I am proud of them and that I love them. But that is my concern at that time.

…No one ever said on their deathbed, “Gee, I wish that I had spent more time at work.” I think that any dying man’s thoughts would turn towards family. Too bad most people wait until then to think seriously about it.

Ecclesiastes 7:2 says, “It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.”  In other words, a funeral is better than a party because since the funeral causes a person to consider their life – we are all going to die.

So what do I think is important enough to tell my children on my deathbed? (As far as I know, I’m not dying at the moment!)

Of course the most important things that I want to say are that I love them and I’m proud of them. But there are some more specific things that I really want to get across. These are not in a particular order.

1. Respect your mother. (She gave birth to you.) Your life will be blessed when you honor your mother and father. Take care of her. I think that as a boy respects and honors his mother his future marriage will be a success.

2. Strive to exercise the faith that God gives you. God is always faithful and will honor you when you exercise faith correctly.

3. Build healthy relationships – first of all with God, of course, then with your parents and with your spouse.

It can be difficult to build a relationship with your parents when you become an adult. But if it is possible to develop an adult relationship with your parents, then I think that every child should try to do so.

Regarding your spouse, this is the most important relationship that you will ever have in this world other than your relationship with God. Treat it with serious and gentle concern. Handle it with prayer. “Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.”  That verse says it so very well. Study it. Memorize it. Apply it constantly.

Regarding your relationship with God, I know that once one is born-again they can never loose their salvation. (I’ll write about this another time.) But just like one can damage their relationship with their spouse, one can mess up their relationship with God. He will never leave or forsake you, but you can sure feel lost due to your own neglect. Pray every day, preferably both morning and night and throughout the day. Things will go well. Otherwise things will not go well and you will wonder why until you realize that you are far from God. Repent.  Get close to God and He will be close to you.

I’m sure that there are more things that I want to say. That’s part of the reason I’m writing my journal online. I want my children to read it someday. I hope that others read it and are encouraged by it, too.